The No Secrets Rule

How to teach kids the difference between secrets, privacy and surprises, by Rachel Coler Mulholland.

Would you like to know a secret? In 2001, a young girl went to an NSYNC concert. She had a grand time – it was her first concert. Upon returning home, she told all of her friends that the poster she’d made caught Justin Timberlake’s attention, and he waved at her.

The secret? He didn’t really wave. Shocking, right? A scandal for the ages.

Phew. It’s nice to have that out in the world now – it really takes a weight off my chest.

As adults, we are allowed to have secrets – most of us have at least one story that we would prefer to take to our graves. People often choose to keep secrets to spare themselves embarrassment or to avoid negative consequences.

It’s likely that many of us started really and truly keeping secrets from our parents and others when we were teenagers - whether it was sneaking out, breaking a confidence, or making a morally grey decision. Teenagers are allowed to have some secrets from their parents and from their friends (though hopefully they feel comfortable seeking help, rather than keeping an unsafe secret).

For families with young and middle-grade children, however, secrets are better avoided than embraced.

This is due to the unfortunate fact that secrets can be used by dangerous people as a way to silence young children who are being made unsafe. Many adult victims of childhood abuse report being told to keep it a secret, lest they face ridicule, disbelief, or escalating consequences that include violence against themselves or others.

The Different Kinds of Secret

Here’s the catch – sometimes, fun things are kept secret to increase the joy when they are finally revealed. Birthday parties, baby announcements, and engagements are all events that are often kept secret during their planning stages. But none of them are “secret” events – they’re surprises!

The difference between a secret and a surprise is fairly simple:

1. Secrets aren’t inherently good or bad – they are entirely dependent on context. Secrets are generally not meant to be shared, and sharing a secret is often painted as being very negative. Sometimes, sharing a secret can result in consequences, and there is often no set end-date or time limit on secrets.
2. Surprises are most often viewed as positive – they are typically neutral or good in context. They are meant to eventually be shared with a larger audience. Though it may be negative or disappointing to share a surprise earlier than intended, it will not result in catastrophic consequences. Surprises almost always have a time limit or a set end date.

Let's say you buy your spouse a really expensive blouse for Christmas and your child sees it. “Hey, that's a secret. Don't Tell Mummy” may seem like a natural thing to say. Unfortunately, however, there is hidden subtext in that request. It implies “your mummy shouldn’t know about this, and if you tell her I’ll be upset.”

A secret implies that if you tell, there might be a bad consequence, and I don't want you to tell anyone.

Consider what the subtext might be by phrasing it differently: “Hey, that shirt is a surprise, and we get to give it to mummy at Christmas.”

Do you see the difference there?

The underlying message says “hey, your mummy will know about this eventually, and it’s going to be a nice thing for her.” There is no threat of consequence, because in all honesty there shouldn’t be one. If the child accidentally spills the beans and ruins the surprise it’s disappointing, but not life-ruining.

But what about privacy?

You may have noticed that the examples of secrets versus surprises involve events that are outside of the child’s control. That’s because there’s another concept at play in this conversation: privacy.

Privacy is the ability to decide what to show of yourself – this may include your thoughts, beliefs, identities, behaviours, and body. Children generally start to express an understanding of privacy and modesty by the age of 6. Privacy is a signal that kids are becoming more independent – they have a sense of what they will and won’t share about themselves, and with whom.

Honouring a child’s privacy is a great way to encourage autonomy, so long as safety boundaries are established and reviewed regularly. Some boundaries to discuss might be how a parent should knock when a bedroom door is closed, the level of dress expected in the house versus what’s expected out and about, or who is allowed to know private health information about the child.

Ultimately, the goal is to encourage a child’s autonomy and self-efficacy, while also monitoring their health, safety, and well-being. Helping a child understand the difference between their own privacy they control, fun surprises they get to be in on, and potentially harmful secrets, is one step we can take as parents to help our children grow up feeling empowered and more safe.

Rachel Coler Mulholland is a mum, counsellor, children's mental health expert and author of The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room - Talking to Your Kids About Sex & Other Sensitive Topics (Union Square & Co, 25 July 2024).

With nearly 1million followers on TikTok, Rachel is a favourite with parents for her honest, funny, responsible, and much-needed wisdom on talking to kids about bodies, puberty, consent, and sex.  She is the person parents turn to, pleading, “How can I answer my kids' awkward questions?”